Chronicles of a HeadCase

It gently rings in the inside of your mind every minute or two, like an alarm clock reminding you to think of her/him. Just a tiny sweet memory can shrug off the chilling cold breeze and turn the heat up in your head and sip into your heart… melting away the cool silence of your solitude… and you think to yourself, there is nothing logical about a clock tower that sounds every minute and every step of the way… thats when you know that your heart has started to defy logic and all of its blasphemy. That is when you know your consciousness is trapped by the resonance of the captivating vibrations ringing in your heart and bringing your head down to your knees. The deafening tones resonating from this heart shaped bell drowns out all the other songs, and you feel no desire to sing along to any of them, except the ones that play on the same notes and trudge to the same beat. What a blissful haven to be in, where everything that is outside of the resonance of your bell no longer matters as much anymore… nothing matters except the continued vibrations that will constantly warm your soul, drive your mind and fill your heart… sounds a bit like falling in love? =p

Sometimes in life, we have to be cruel to be kind. Its always easier being the nice guy, as oposed to being the bad guy. Being the bad guy, for the sake of someone is not easy, since they tend to hate you after and you will have to hide your own pain.

I feel it is more painful and cruel to give a false sense of hope, it is the cowardly way out of life. In my experience, its better to severe ties before the bonds form roots into the heart of someone. It may be painful to cut ties before arteries are connected to the heart…  Connections, society and relationships are what makes us human, but make no mistake. It can kill who you are as well. And we know, what does not kill us can only make us stronger, wisely put by Friedich Nietzche, its best then to survive the operation of severance, so that we are able to form new attachments. For every end, there should be a new beginning. At least I’d like to think so…

Loneliness… the feeling that made you want to be with someone to begin with. But now, after so long being with him/her, you feel even more alone. Alone because the one who is supposed to understand you, doesn’t, Solitude because what you like and what you want doesn’t seem to matter to him/her, and Cold because the heat and warmth that was once there has been replaced by anger and resentment. Alone and afraid to let go, hope feels like a song you haven’t heard in a long time, and when that tune plays in your mind, you wander to somewhere long ago. Long ago where once you might have been happy?

Then, out of nowhere, temptation comes along in the form of a fresh and juicy fruit. The temptation is perfect in every way, glistening and reflective, warm and happy to the touch. This is truly a heavenly bliss where nothing can go wrong… at least it would appear so to you. The apples in the supermarkets always look perfect and fresh because they are waxed on the outside to preserve its looks on the outside. However, you will find that after the first bite, and enough time passed, it will lose its luster and and its flesh will turn from a glistening white to a dullish brown. So… then what do you do? If each boat we jump is from one slow cooker to another, whats the point? The point is if you have gone thru this once, twice, too many times… then you are the problem. You are not happy with yourself and that is why you pretend to be someone you are not, someone to make him/her happy, someone to do what is necessary to be accepted… wanted. Then that someone you pretended to be becomes a prison to who you are, so you run away to the next temptation after another, but only to find you are merely breaking our of your cell, but not your prison. and your prison is you.