Chronicles of a HeadCase

You are the victim of survival, and the witness in the passing of what could be and what will never come to pass. Never will these emotions surpass the loss of this ocean of unbeareable burial of hope. You can climb out of the six feet of emptiness and run amok with the decadence in everyone and this void in you but nobody will truly know how the daylight has faded on all your silhouettes and of moons that eats away all of your hidden eloquence everyday in every way. How can you leave it all behind, how can you leave all the care that has caressed your soul… all the waiting in the world can never delay your farewells and yet you can never say goodbye. With the waxing of the moon, all hope that has ever been invested in this life seem to have little meaning left and all you have left is but an empty shell of meaningless faded wasted years of living.

But all the anger will dissipate, all the sorrow will drown, and you will eventually learn to swim in the passive sea of acceptance where life supposedly goes on. You feel the need to tell everyone to get away, as you feel every piece of you has slowly faded away…and as time starts to pass, you hold on to the things that you remember about that wasted life and wonder what is it that still makes up the memory of you. Each time you hear that story on the radio you feel that the life you went thru is a passing moment that is no longer apart of who you are. And in a matter of years, when you try to remember how death looked like you will start to remember why you are alive. Wrap yourself in grace and leave the undeserved sins behind, life will come out of the clear sky and before you know it, you will once again be the blooming child in the world that still has the breathe left to stare up into that starry night where dreams still live on. And as the shadows that you thought were unwavering will start to dissipate, please do come out of the blue and reach out to the glow that has always been inside of you. Live life to the fullest for those who have fallen in their paths… its the least we can do in the memory of their being, in the memory of their life.

* Written as a request on the death of someone dear…

I have found in my life that many people find it easier, to have faith and believe in a supreme being that cannot be proven until today, than to trust another human being. It is a strange observation, especially when I start to feel that trust and faith are almost the same thing, except people do the latter without doubt and do not feel betrayed if faith does not follow through. Take the 2 scenarios below for example:-

scenario 1) Lisa prays hard day and night that Tom will ask her to the dance. Tom doesn’t. Lisa remains a staunch believer in her God and her faith perseveres.

scenario 2) Tom said he will take Lisa to the dance. Tom ends up going with Gina. Lisa will remember for the rest of her life what Tom did and will never ever fully trust him again (might have trouble trusting all guys after that).

They say it takes a lot of courage to have faith. But it seems strange to me because, hearing someone saying “I trust you” is so much more powerful than “I have faith in you”. “I have faith in you” sounds like the odds are against you, I will pray for a miracle. hahaha.

But on the other hand, faith and trust both can be truly elating experiences that can totally change your perspective, give you a positive paradigm shift and allow you to grow further as a person.

I don’t have to get into faith, there are many religious websites out there.

In the case of trust, if you can… trust someone without doubt, suspicioun and fear that they will betray it. I promise, you will feel released, relieved and experience an ultimate calm. Because life can go on for you, without having to constantly worry if he/she is going to get drunk and have sex with someone else. Yes yes, you will feel betrayed if and when he/she betrays your trust, but he/she will almost never earn your trust back again. Trust should be given, and it is very very hard to earn back. Forgiveness is a whole different ball game that I’ll get into next time. But I mean, even in faith things don’t always work out the way we want it… how can trust in another human being do any better that faith in the gods?  So I say, live and let go, or forever hold on to the shadows of fear and doubt. You choose…

(Dedicated to MissDayne who requested an article about Trust)

A reciprocated reply would make a world of difference, but this unrequited love has sapped the light out of you, now everything doesn’t matter anymore. Taking its toll on you, as every misleading beacon in the midsts of this mist sends a happy spree of hope like a surge of dope into your veins, and the withdrawal seems to kill a little bit of you every time.

This happiness is a drug and in its depression is the only comfort it can offer. How much before you break? How many breaks before you can muster the strength and declare that you had enough? or How long more can you wait before you tell that person how you really feel? For love that is one way, it is to love, but to love in vain…  Get the rejection out of the way and move on with life, wallow in this misery and taste the bitterness of loneliness. But what if the love is requited? I guess you’ll never know till you try, so wear your heart on your sleeve before it is too late, realize the fear that your throbbing heart may eventually cool and be shielded by a wall of ice built by an architect of pain. And it will take a tremendous amount of amourous heat to melt that coldness away, if ever you are to love again.

(Dedicated to one of my readers who requested a writeup on a one-way love affair)