Chronicles of a HeadCase

Travelling alone in a foreign land where they speak a different language I haven’t understood yet, brings about a deafening silence from my lips and a sudden spike of continuous internal dialogue… so much that I start to wonder how come I don’t talk to myself that much anymore prior to this… lol. It is that feeling of solitude that refuses to be ignored and drives you to communicate internally as external channels are unavailable to you due to a lack of subtitles in real life. The only times I had any conversations here were during my meetings for work.

After I was done with all my meetings today, excitedly, I wondered a few hundred yards each way from my hotel in Bucharest, and in the blistering cold in search of a some fun… but all I could find was a small pub which reminded me of bars in Lincoln, NE on a Monday in the summer… basically dead and boring cause everyone is gone. The bartenders/waitresses looked at me like I was the first Asian they’ve seen in years… perhaps ever. So I ordered a stout and found myself sitting at the bar and amusing myself with mindless soliloquy. Looks like I have to make a few local friends for me to have a good time here… well, since I am flying off to Zagreb tomorrow noon, I guess it’ll have to be on the next trip. Hope to see and learn more about Romania the next time I come back. Until then, doesn’t look like I will be drinking much… at least not till I get back to KL. Although, I am always hopefull… haha

Click here to see some picture I took in Bucharest

I’ve been thinking of coming through one of these day and  I hope to understand where you’re coming from real soon. Sleeping all day and always up all night, I find that its always too soon to be getting this high, not that it stops me… but it took a long time to get me so wrong for so many of you, and its gonna take a longer time to make me right for somebody. lol, coz everything that should hurt me doesn’t seem to… so here I am dangling constantly from a perpetual sunshine, I wonder when will a wavering moon appear before me and drown me in reflections and not in vain. I wonder how far I will fall before I can start making my way up again, it feels alright to be in the silver lining, but sometimes I do miss the clouds. Drifting darkness seems to always come along to cover up every sparkle in our eyes, and its not that we’re too blind to see the angels and all their demons, its just that our goggles are fogged up by all the neon lights and shimmering sights… she is just out of focus and out of context right now. So she doesn’t happen to be in my mental playground now, so why am I waiting for the fallen to come crashing thru my sand castles and distill my thoughts? Perhaps even plant a heart in this faultless paradise…

You are the victim of survival, and the witness in the passing of what could be and what will never come to pass. Never will these emotions surpass the loss of this ocean of unbeareable burial of hope. You can climb out of the six feet of emptiness and run amok with the decadence in everyone and this void in you but nobody will truly know how the daylight has faded on all your silhouettes and of moons that eats away all of your hidden eloquence everyday in every way. How can you leave it all behind, how can you leave all the care that has caressed your soul… all the waiting in the world can never delay your farewells and yet you can never say goodbye. With the waxing of the moon, all hope that has ever been invested in this life seem to have little meaning left and all you have left is but an empty shell of meaningless faded wasted years of living.

But all the anger will dissipate, all the sorrow will drown, and you will eventually learn to swim in the passive sea of acceptance where life supposedly goes on. You feel the need to tell everyone to get away, as you feel every piece of you has slowly faded away…and as time starts to pass, you hold on to the things that you remember about that wasted life and wonder what is it that still makes up the memory of you. Each time you hear that story on the radio you feel that the life you went thru is a passing moment that is no longer apart of who you are. And in a matter of years, when you try to remember how death looked like you will start to remember why you are alive. Wrap yourself in grace and leave the undeserved sins behind, life will come out of the clear sky and before you know it, you will once again be the blooming child in the world that still has the breathe left to stare up into that starry night where dreams still live on. And as the shadows that you thought were unwavering will start to dissipate, please do come out of the blue and reach out to the glow that has always been inside of you. Live life to the fullest for those who have fallen in their paths… its the least we can do in the memory of their being, in the memory of their life.

* Written as a request on the death of someone dear…