Chronicles of a HeadCase

(This was written about 8 years ago)

The past is always filled with stupid mistakes, and we always wonder what could have happened otherwise. Never ever satisfied, I can never please myself, maybe if i could revert to the child, and unlearn, un-know everything that they have taught me. But can I face the world alone?

or am I ready to go home? When i think of living in a perfect world, everything is ugly and everything is beautiful, when i wonder around the thoughts of others, so many are dark, not a shade of gray.

Maybe it would be better to let them live their lives, let them take their own and cross not their paths, whatever I need is not what they need, what I want is not what they want. What do I want? To stand over the air where everyone else is lost, but I find it hard to care when its becoming too much to bare.

When i think of dreaming in a another life, everything is old, I’m no longer a child, when i wander around my mind, everything is unclear, my soul so intangible.

But I took the teaching down to the river, swim the dessert in a dream from a long long way, I want to show them all but I am blinded in the day. A time ago I would have cared, I would have sung. but that was somebody else I no longer know, perhaps still a piece of me, that is lost, like my point of view.

When i want to know who I am, I am lost in memories, but do they make who I am? When i want to doubt everything I’ve learnt, I am too afraid to lose grasp of what is real.

I can’t stand the burning rain in my eyes, what i see cannot give me the questions nor your answers, the things I would change if I could, or maybe its the static in the radio? Sometimes I want to see you in a draught, then what I now know could then be what you see.

When I want to make a change, I wake up in the morning, and I wake up in my sleep. When I want to look inside my heart, I see that I was afraid and that I am ashamed.

Does it hurt more that you could have been a part of me? But I was only a dream or a shadow then, I could now form. The secret which I holds are nothing more to them all, But is not what it means, but what it shows that matters to our fall. This is but a wasted line of things I have thought so true, what I know, what I become, only mattered to me.

When I want you to hear me out, I won’t say a word, I can’t give it up. When you think you would have understood, I am betrayed a trust I never had.

Some who chance upon a place, which would keep her sheltered, safe from knowing, safe from the truth, safe as her faith, and she will wake up a sudden too late. somebody told me that you are but sleeping, your liberty is but a dream, it forces you to conspire within. Choices taken already mistakes made, and we have too much ignorance.

When i want to cry my heart out to someone, I reach out and all I touch is a muddled reflection. When I want to be in silence, at the midst, screaming inside of me, a thousand lies.

Please somebody save me before I save myself, I guess they already left me, I didn’t know. I am only good for what they want, you are only good for what I need. Every night I wonder if there is anyone else out there, Someone I could touch, and not just leave me lost in a dream.

When I want to die dreaming, I wake up in cold sweat, When I want to love somebody, I wake up alone and cold. After I have seen all that has happened, How can I awake sober and strong?

But… when i lay, when i bleed, when i break, when i stand, when i wait, when i cry, when I laugh, when i love, when i hurt, and when i die, then truly am I alive and realized to this life. Then maybe you could kiss me goodnight and then pray to your god.

"I have decided that anxiety and pain were better friends." (LIVE)